… The test of a civilized society is how it deals with the weak, the sick, and the powerless.”
— Garrison Keillor
Monthly Archives: February 2012
The Test
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged civilized society, food, injustice, medical care, Poverty, power
A Scene from the stage play, The Committee… (c) I. Jones & G. Swimelar
ACT 3, SCENE 4
INT. OPEN STAGE WITH A CONFERENCE TABLE AT THE MID-RIGHT, A “PULL UP” BAR IS ON THE LEFT AND SOME OPEN SPACE FROM THE LEFT — LATER
(Tupac, JFK, and Hoffa are on one side of the stage and Tupac is giving them hip hop dance lessons. Tupac controls the music which is on a jam box.)
TUPAC
Okay, like this… hey, are you sure you guys want to do this?
HOFFA
Hell no! I want to go back to pull-ups.
JFK
Tupac — you aren’t going to give up on us are you?
TUPAC
Fuck no! What the hell else do I have to do here in this tank? At least I can get my own thing going from the music.
(Tupac does a few dance steps.)
Okay, now you guys have to get your shit together.
JFK
I’m trying Tupac!
(As JFK goes through some steps trying to copy Tupac. Hoffa is also trying to hip hop.)
(The lights dim and the scene closes with the three of them practicing hip hop dancing.)
ACT 3, SCENE 5
INT. OPEN STAGE WITH A CONFERENCE TABLE AT THE MID-RIGHT, A “PULL UP” BAR IS ON THE LEFT AND SOME OPEN SPACE FROM THE LEFT — LATER
(Tupac is taking charge.)
TUPAC
Ok, move the conference table to the side.
(All but JFK, MLK, and Tupac move committee table to the side.)
ELVIS
Hey, is this for real?
TUPAC
It absolutely is — these guys are going to compete in hip hop dancing, and you guys are going to be the judges. Ok, make room for the contestants!
WALT DISNEY
Shoot, I wish I had my movie camera!
TUPAC
You might be glad you don’t have it after you see this.
HOFFA
I don’t care how I look as long as I win.
MALCOLM X
That’s the idea, Jimmy, “by any means necessary!”
TUPAC
Hey, did you really say that shit?
MALCOLM X
Yeah, I did, Tupac — I’m not sure I’d say it now though, it’s a different era.
TUPAC
Hey don’t be so fast — things are still fucked up.
WALT DISNEY
I could never understand why some people are racist. I never was.
TUPAC
Yeah, sure Walt, I hear ya, brother.
WALT DISNEY
Hey, let’s get the contest going!
TUPAC
Oh yeah, Jimmy and JFK — go over there — I need to introduce you.
(Hoffa and JFK go to their respective corners. Tupac takes on the role of a typical announcer of a heavyweight championship fight.)
TUPAC
Ladies and gentlemen…shit, we ain’t got no ladies here!
(pause)
Are you ready to rumble!!!! We have here two honorable competitors who have agreed to forego gang-banging and pull-up competition in order to compete as gentlemen in the performing arts, which, of course is a more civilized and dignified way to settle differences.
MLK
Why can’t they talk over their differences?
TUPAC
Well, I think they have — this is just for a personal kind of challenge… I want to emphasize that yours truly is NOT responsible for the actual quality of the performances of these two fine contenders. OK, will the two contenders please present themselves.
(JFK and Hoffa move to either side of Tupac, who has a microphone in his hand — or somethin’ that can look like or serve as a microphone.)
TUPAC
On my left, we have champion pull-upper, Mr. James R. Hoffa, former President of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters; a labor organizer who dedicated himself, when he wasn’t pissing people off, to the idea that all American workers would be respected and paid a livable wage. And on my right, the challenger, President John Fitzgerald Kennedy, who needs no introduction —
JFK
Oh, come on, Tupac, give me some sugar too.
TUPAC
OK, this is the man who beat the shit out of Richard M. Nixon in a nationally televised debate.
JFK
That’s more like it.
WALT DISNEY
You’re just lucky that Nixon couldn’t find a three track razor!
(laughs)
TUPAC
Gentlemen, you’ve agreed to a coin toss to determine who will perform first — Jimmy, you call it in the air.
(Tupac tosses a coin.)
HOFFA
Head!
(Tupac catches the coin and slaps it on the back of his hand.)
TUPAC
What do you mean, “head?” It’s either “heads” or “tails.”
HOFFA
Heads! Heads!
TUPAC
Tails it is!
HOFFA
Oh shit!
TUPAC
Mr. President, you have your choice — to go first or second.
JFK
I will let Jimmy go first to see what he’s got.
ELVIS
Good decision, Jack.
TUPAC
Hey, no help from the audience!
(looking at Elvis)
Okay, Jimmy, you’re on.
(Tupac puts on the music. Hoffa gets out there and does a fairly good job of hip hop dancing. He really gets the committee onto their feet! They are whooping and hollering and cheering. Jimmy has a big smile on his face and really enjoys playing the crowd.)
TUPAC
Whew! That wasn’t bad. All right, Jimmy! Where the hell did you learn those moves? I know you didn’t learn that watching American Bandstand!
HOFFA
(trying to catch his breath)
Shoot, I wish I had learned to dance. I could have had a fuckin’ ball at those union hall get-togethers.
TUPAC
That’s going to be a hard act to beat – but JFK’s got a lot riding on this – so let’s see what he’s got – Mr. President —
(JFK comes out with a hip hop type uniform — long jean shorts or jeans that are obviously too big for him — and he has his underwear showing from the top.)
(The music begins. JFK starts going through his moves. Tupac is rolling on the floor — so are the committee members. JFK stops dancing.)
JFK
Wait a minute, this isn’t the song I practiced with.
HOFFA
Hey, if you’re good you ought to be able to do it to any song!
TUPAC
OK, Mr. Pres — you are right — my mistake — hold on — okay, judges — forget what you just saw — let’s give him another chance. Here you go —
(JFK starts dancing, but doing really well this time. The judges are whooping it up and cheering. Hoffa is showing a look of surprise. JFK actually does some difficult moves — and does them quite well. The judges continue to cheer and clap.)
TUPAC (Continued)
Whoa! I don’t think I was ready for that. Dude, you must have been practicing when I wasn’t looking — or did you find some stuff around here.
HOFFA
Yeah, we need some drug testing. This could become an Olympic sport.
TUPAC
Who’s talking about drugs — I was talking about booty!
(smile)
OK – folks — it’s time to vote.
(Lennon passes out ballots and the judges mark them. Elvis collects them.)
TUPAC (Continued)
Elvis, give them to Dr. King to count.
(MLK counts — and makes a total.)
TUPAC (Continued)
Do we have a winner?
MLK
We most certainly do.
TUPAC
Will both contestants present themselves.
(pause)
Before we hear the verdict, I want to congratulate each contestant on having the guts to get out here and embarrass the shit out of yourself. This would be like me competing in snow skiing! Ya done good — and no matter who ever wins —
JOHN LENNON
We love ya both!
TUPAC
Yeah — we love ya both.
HOFFA
Come on — I can take it!
TUPAC
The verdict, Dr. King…
MLK
It was close — just like a supreme court decision — we have a 3 to 2 result. The winner is John Fitzgerald Kennedy!
(All judges and Tupac surround both competitors and they give each other “high 5’s” then form a bilateral hug — which closes into a whole group hug with appropriate sounds of mutual support.)
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged 2nd Gear Rubber, 60's, assassination, Disney, Elvis, film, hip hop, Hoffa, JFK, John Lennon, Kennedy, Lawrence Welk, Lennon, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, MLK, movie, peace, political, Presley, screenplay, Second Gear Rubber, Shakur, The Committee, Tupac, Walt Disney
Everybody’s Going to Have a Drone
Everybody’s Going to Have a Drone
Pretty soon everyone’ll have a drone.
It’ll be pigeon-sized
And able to fetch, signal, and bomb.
Wimpy liberals will try to control them
But the selfish conservatives
Will say they are protected
By the Constitution.
They’ll say everybody should have one.
Got to protect one’s abode.
It’ll take pictures of all the terrorists
Who could be masquerading as joggers,
And chase mice
And other competitive locomoteurs
Out of the neighborhood.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged Constitution, drone, drones, gregswim, swimelar, terrorists
The Guru from Bali
The Guru from Bali
She needed a change.
The spirits were too heavy.
Too local.
Her mind needed some chaos —
Some quantum physics stuff.
So she got that ticket
To New York.
It was to be a three month pilgrimage
That would involve coffee shops,
Churches, discussions, sitting in Washington
Square Park, playing chess with men
Masquerading as derelicts.
She’d hit the 92nd Street Y,
Look into the eyes of a street kid,
And join the Japanese hippies
In the East Village.
Then she’d be ready to go back.
Inspired. Fulfilled.
Ready to feel the peace
And remember how to be here and now
Before starting, again,
To help others get their bags packed.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged Bali, chaos theory, East Village, gregswim, guru, Japanese hippies, New York, swimelar, Washington Square
Dating Jane Birkin
Dating Jane Birkin
Je t’aime… terraced cafes, operas, blue jeans, beaches, museums, art galleries, sweet white wine, blue doors, coffee shops, walking at night, park benches, raspberry herbal iced tea, art movies/foreign flicks, Eiffel Tower, trains, Parc Montsouris, restaurants on-the-water, motorcycling on the Left Bank, baseball hats and pony tails, bichon frisees, Palais du Festival, sangria, le métro, French Riviera, Cannes, Old Nice, Paris Pigalle, parrots, Italian restaurants, TGV, garlic shrimp, Marseilles, sidewalk cafés, taxis, sky blue swimsuits, jazz clubs, schedules, elegant restaurants, Bain Douche, Monte Carlo, The Main Casino, crêpes, L’Arc de Triomphe, to-do lists, late night crêperies, Thai restaurants, airports, Amber ale, short shorts, and …moi non plus.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged Birkin, dating, France, Jane Birkin, je t'aime, moi non plus, Paris
Is Jerry Normal?
Is Jerry Normal?
Jerry is hoping that gas prices will go up.
He owns stock in Exxon.
Jerry is hoping people will get sick.
His wife is a pharmacist.
Jerry wants guys to become impotent.
He works for Pfizer.
Jerry won’t drink German beer.
He’s all American.
Jerry lives his life in fear.
He’ll never go to Cambodia
Unless he can take his platoon with him
To keep his paranoia at bay.
Jerry keeps a shotgun in his truck
Just in case a hippy gets smart with him.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged capitalism, chauvinism, fear, greed, gregswim, hippies, paranoia, self-interest, selfishness, swimelar, xenophobia
Modern Shrines
Modern Shrines
We’re about to abandon the TV
As our most adored shrine.
It has worn itself out
And has not delivered what it promised.
Besides that, it’s not portable enough.
The new shrine is the iPhone
And if you don’t have one you better get one
Because if you don’t have one…
Well, you’re a dinosaur.
You can’t get to heaven without one.
I’m not shitting you either.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged gregswim, iPhone, modern, shrines, swimelar, television, TV
Where Was Mindfulness?
Where Was Mindfulness?
Why didn’t they teach it in school?
Was it the paranoid right wing lunatics
Who were afraid their kids
Would become free?
Or were they just allergic to change?
Where was my mindfulness?
How did I miss so much?
How my mother was like
Mona Lisa with massage oil.
How my father made the roosters crow.
Where did I put the keys?
How could I leave the bags behind?
The present was always devalued
Just like a domestic beer.
The Sky’s the Limit
The Sky’s the Limit
A rich nobleman wanted to construct
An invisible building
Where no one would find him.
He went to an island
Where it never gets cloudy
And he put the building on stilts
And painted it sky blue.
A plane flew into it
And he had to escape in his underwear.
On his way out of the building
A little kid asked him if he wanted a shoeshine.
The Culture Criminals
The Culture Criminals
The culture criminals
Are tough on children.
With the boys, they keep them on their toes
By Insinuating that they don’t have the courage
To be men.
Some boys get suckered into proving themselves,
And instead of growing up,
Become culture criminals as well.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged child development, children, cultural revolution, culture, culture criminals, gregswim, socialization, swimelar
The Sweet Life at Central World
The Sweet Life at Central World
Twilight at Bert’s Café
On Central World Square
The eggplant sandwich
With sundried you know whats
And other fresh and tasties
Along with a Heineken
Watching all the beautiful people
And the occasional cherub
While Khun Tum adds a blueberry tortilla to my bill
And I eat it as slowly as it takes a taxi
To go three blocks in a Bangkok traffic jam.
Doctor Mainstream
Doctor Mainstream
Don’t come in here with a shopping list of tests you want.
I’m just a prostate man.
I check your prostate with my index finger
And order you a PSA test.
That’s it.
I don’t even know what C-Reactive Protein is.
You’re going to have to go somewhere else for that.
The God of False Prophets
The God of False Prophets
Sorry if you weren’t born in the right place
Or into the right family –
But you should have listened to my reps
Who were out there telling you how
To get to the good place.
Oh, excuse me, you’re from the jungles of Borneo?
That’s too bad.
My reps didn’t make it over there,
So you lose.
In fact, you’ll burn in hell for eternity.
We’ve got mass murderers who confessed
On their death bed, so they’ll make it through the pearly gates
But you weren’t lucky enough to know how to do that.
Tough luck.
Adolph Lived Downstairs
Adolph Lived Downstairs
Adolph didn’t commit suicide.
He lived a lonely life downstairs in the garage apartment
Below my garconiere in Casablanca.
He had plastic surgery done at the sex change clinic on Rue La Moriciere
And a Canadian passport.
Every time he got drunk he attempted to set up a truth commission in the elevator,
But it didn’t have a mirror.
Aside
Transforming Work That dirty word… work, Has finally become play. A scattered operational style Has succumbed to a blissful routine. Having autonomy is the difference Between a real fire and a false alarm; A smile verses an indifferent look. Perfunctory … Continue reading
Someday
Someday
Someday you’ll be searching out museums like an auditor looking for a receipt.
You’ll swim through the classics,
And make milk toast out of Shakespeare.
Your passion will become inflamed with the thought of turning mud huts into urban cribs,
And you’ll even mix French syllables with an interfering English tongue.
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gregswimelar 