Monthly Archives: July 2012

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em

by Joey Schmoeller

My third grade teacher, Mrs. Gladys Newell, who I was in love with, introduced me to the saying, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” Little did I know then how this might come in handy at some point in my life.

For most of my life I have understood and realized that there is much suffering for the majority of mankind. I have seen it personally on the streets of Morocco, Mexico, the Philippines, and a bunch of other countries, including, yes — the United States. I have had great empathy for the suffering of those who are unfortunate through no fault of their own.

I cherished the belief and hope that there was an answer to human starvation, wars, and injustice. I believed that all people wanted a just society – a world where the chances were more than likely that most of us on the planet would be able to live without great suffering. It seemed to me that these things mattered.

These ideas were slowly but surely championed by my mother and modeled by my father. When I got to Kindergarten these same ideas became the rules that our teacher insisted would enable us to get along, work together, and survive as little humans in that small classroom at Pennsylvania Avenue School. Then attending Sunday school at the South Presbyterian Church – I was told that there was a guy – actually more than a guy – but that is the part I never fully understood. We studied this guy who said that a person in need is our neighbor, even if that person doesn’t look like us, or belongs to another group. This guy used an example of coming across a foreign-type person who was in dire straits. He said the most important thing we could do would be to help that person. So I was getting these messages from every direction in my development as a child. It seemed natural to believe that all humanity was working in that direction – to help one another as we pass through this mysterious experience of acquiring life, and then eventually losing it – and passing it on to those that follow – with the hope that they would carry the ball further, just as we were to carry the ball further than our parents, grandparents, ancestors, and well – all previous humans, even maybe back to the Cro-Magnums.

With aging and experience, one realizes that instead of humanity participating in this race to make the world a better place for all God’s children, you’re usually pretty much running alone, and that Mark Twain actually was right – it is a damned human race.

So with the current era’s seeming selfishness, and with the popularity of humiliating others, not caring if our brothers and sisters get medical care when they get sick, giving all the breaks to the people who already were in possession of so many breaks – the “I got mine – you get yours,” philosophy has taken over. With this realization I have concluded that I have one of three options: (1) to fight like hell for what I was taught as a child, (2) to begin to look at the sad state of affairs as laughable, or (3) if I can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

I’ve decided to go for number 3. I tried number one for a while, but it is too depressing. I also tried number 2, but somehow had great difficulty laughing over the misfortunes of others. So as of today, I am becoming a Repugnikkkan.

I no longer have to worry about kids who go to bed hungry. I am not going to share the ownership of that problem anymore. As a good Repugnikkkan, I am just going to say, look – it’s the kid’s parent’s responsibility – it’s got nothing to do with me. I’m also not going to worry anymore about 17 and 18 year olds being recruited for the army even before they have a chance to know much about themselves and the world, and get taken right into the meat grinder in some unnecessary war. I am so glad to have that as one less thing to be concerned about. After all, it’s their choice. They swallowed the pill that said that war is where the glory is, and that if you are going to be a man – or a patriotic woman – you will get in line, learn to salute, and do whatever they tell you to do regardless of whether it shocks your conscience or not.

It’s great that the US has set a precedent in ignoring the Geneva Accords – another thing I won’t have to lose any sleep over. I might even take up swearing – it’s like, OK, the world doesn’t like it – then fuck ’em. Torturing people – now there’s something that I never dreamed I’d have to even think about. I don’t know how in the world I believed that everyone was against torture. It was almost like – you’re a human being – you don’t believe in torture – the two go together. And if you do believe in torture you aren’t a human being – you don’t meet the definition. But that’s all gone now. It’s OK to torture – as long as it’s not someone on our side – torture the shit out of them, even if we aren’t sure they’ve done anything. That’s the good thing about torture – even if they haven’t done anything, they will tell us what they have done, even if they haven’t done it – and that absolves us from all guilt toward the act of torturing. The act itself solves the problem regarding the question of whether or not it works. Of course it works – and I am all for it now. In fact, I am not even going to think about how it must feel to be tortured. Certain places will now be off limits to me now though – I will have to make sure that I avoid going to Cambodia to see the killing fields, or to any of the Holocaust Museums, or to Auschwitz – and avoid the War Museum in Ho Chi Minh City. But there are nicer places – there is Cancun and Las Vegas – and a bunch of other places where I can have a lovely time.

© Joey Schmoeller – This is a draft and under no circumstances to be considered final.